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Jack Benny (1894–1974) American comedian,
vaudeville performer, and radio, television, and film
actor. Also
see:
Video: Jack Benny vs. Groucho
1955
- A scout troop
consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks
following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- (about Abraham
Lincoln) Any man who would walk five miles through
the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so
he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
- (about George
Burns) We have a lot in common. The other night we
went to see an X-rated movie, and we both fell
asleep.
- (about his fiddle)
It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one
hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so
cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in
Japan.
- (at a CBS dinner)
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had,
but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human
being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face -
even if it costs me my job.
- (at a charity
dinner) I had my choice tonight of buying a
hundred-dollar ticket or being up here on the dais..
So, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
- Comedy itself is
based upon very old principals of which I can
readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke,
exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the
pun, and finally, the comic situation.
- (first radio
appearance) Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There
will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who
cares?"
- Give me golf
clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you
can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
- I don't deserve
this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve
that either.
- I don't want to
tell you how much insurance I carry with the
Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go
too.
- I gambled at the
crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during
that time the house gave me four drinks and two
cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a
room.
- I must be cheaper
now than I was ten years ago in order to get a
laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and
give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh
years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow
I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
- I took my girl to
dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes
that she dropped her tray.
- I was born in
Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact,
our rabbi was an Indian.
- I was going to buy
my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too
long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
- I went to a
meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
- I went into
Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered
was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book
another week at the Palladium.
- I went to see one
of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I
couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a
second time.
- I'm an old
newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found
there was no money in old newspapers.
# I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air
professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting
paid, which I know will be a great relief to my
creditors.
- I'm like Will
Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like . . . well,
Eichmann maybe.
- I'm living in a
very modest place. I have a room over-looking
beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better
than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the
dump I'm living in.
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